Writer Side

I hate when people say they want to know what I think but then when I do, when I open up my thoughts and feelings to them, I get responses like, you don't need to explain yourself or you don't need to say all that, it's just a yes or no question. Why do they feel the need to box me into a black and white world if that's not how I see it or think? So was it just a lie when they said they wanted to understand me? Why argue me into a corner when they don't like my answer? Why even ask a question in the first place if you only want a specific response? It makes the other person feel like you don't even care what they think and you're just talking for your own purposes.

Seriously, why give someone so much grief over how they choose to respond? Unless they're on trial under oath, they don't need to be explicit, complicit, or anything of the sort.

And yet I can't just change. Why should I have to? I can't trust that my answer is good enough. I can't answer without wondering if it's the right one.

Failing

Failure. That's how I feel about how I've been handling these feelings. I feel too exposed, fragile, and vulnerable in order to be able to make the leap to tell him how I feel. And yet I have to wonder also, why hasn't he? If we're both waiting for each other, we'll never get there. Or I'll be so upset by the time we finally do, it'll be because I couldn't wait anymore.

But I've held off because of his comment when we first started seeing each other that people throw the word love around too easily, too soon. As if warning me that if I said it to him he wouldn't believe me anyway. So I'm sitting here, 7 months in, wondering if what I'm feeling is real and if it matters.

And there's a small part of me terrified that if he can't even say he loves me, he won't ever come around to actually proposing. Sure, in some views that's a long way off. In other views, people have gotten married in less time than it's taken us to say the three words.

So I'm frustrated, wondering if I've not earned his love, and how come. And if anyone's ever going to love me as strongly and fully as I've heard happens on this planet. Or if I'm doomed to be some sad little cat lady no one wanted. The 28 year old no one's ever proposed to. The 68 year old spinster.

Love Is Blind

My boyfriend's work friend put out a joke when I met her about that I must be blind (to be with him/find him attractive), as a tease to him, but I honestly didn't understand what they meant by it. When I look at him I am in love with the person he is, see the stunning blue eyes, the way he looks at me and how he smiles. I see a handsome man who dresses well and know the way his arm muscles feel under my fingers. I see someone who both intimidates and challenges me, yet makes me feel so safe and secure I no longer have the lifelong nightmares that have plagued me when I'm next to him.

Is that was love is blind means? That you see those things other people can't, completely out of the realm of shallow societal beliefs?

Fear

There's this thing, fear, that can be completely irrational. Or is it really? Are we told that our fears are irrational by a society that expects us to ignore instinct in favor of emotionless rote, to only feel when it's a positive emotion, and even them, to do so moderately lest you come across too strongly and be "weird"?

But it's my belief that all positive things come with a negative, in order to maintain balance.

What if you start to love someone, and with that love comes the fear of losing them? Is it really so irrational in a world where someone can be taken away in the blink of an eye?

Insecurity

If there's one thing love does without fail, it's bring out insecurity. There's something about admitting your feelings to another person that creates vulnerability and the possibility of heartbreak. Fears of not being good enough, of not being the best they've ever had, the smartest, the cutest, the sweetest can be overwhelming. Why do we feel the need to be everything for somebody?

Acceptance. I think we all seek to be accepted, 100% of who we are, by someone and for it to be enough. We want someone to validate that everything we've become is worth something. Self worth is great and all but having someone who isn't yourself love you for who you are takes the cake.

The idea that I'll be hurt deeply terrifies me. That fear keeps me from admitting how I feel, even if I love freely. And stubbornness. Can't forget that.

Not Mean

I want to follow up the previous post with this: for everyone who's ever thought I was mean to them, I was playing nice. I've only ever fully let out on two people in my life and one was a bully picking on my brother who I felt needed to be put in her place  (it worked), and my ex. I am witty enough, sharp-tongued enough, and know enough to be able to rip into people. But I don't. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to. I want to be nice. Calling me out on something I didn't intend to be mean only makes me say fuck it, might as well actually be mean if that's how it's going to come out anyway. This society is so quick to jump on people who "speak their mind". No one wants to hear the truth because it hurts the most, I guess.

Words

I've had this problem my whole life, of being a smart mouth sarcastic bitch-faced woman, constantly misinterpreted by people I trust to understand me. And when they fall in with everyone else and take my words the wrong way, it hurts me to the core. I've been told not to overthink things, just to spit it out, and yet how can I do so when I get reactions like 'you didn't have to say that', and other suggestions that I was being mean. No one gets when I'm trying to tease. Apparently I'm not good at joking. It comes across as rudeness. I don't want to be mean to people. So I don't say anything at all. And we're back at square one.

If you really want someone to speak their mind, tell them so, but don't then make them feel bad for what comes out of their mouth unfiltered. They're trusting you to understand what they mean even when it comes out wrong. If you can't do that, don't put that pressure on them. It's not fair. They get to feel like shit all day for hurting someone when they didn't mean to, then doubt themselves and think maybe they are just a bitch after all and they're the problem. If you care about them, don't put them through that.

Is this Love?

I've thought long and hard about how I feel about the man I've found. He is beyond anything I imagined I could find, have, or deserved, and yet I hesitate to say I love him. Don't mistake what I say to mean I don't have INTENSE feelings for him, but his existence and influence in my life has caused me to pause and think about what love really is, what it means, and how lightly it's thrown around. I challenged myself to assess every relationship I had where I said those words (not many) and I realized I never truly loved any of them. Even the long term relationship that spanned years was never the sort of union I could claim as love. There was never a level of respect that real love would entail, and I never trusted him.

So how am I to accurately gauge what this new experience really is? I hesitate to use the word love because I've learned how precious it really is, and if I really am feeling it for this man, I'm going to make damn sure, for both of us, that I don't throw it around without thought. We both deserve more than that.

Daydreaming

If I had to choose something unconventional to promote for good health, I would pick daydreaming. I couldn't imagine not taking the time to let my mind wander, escape the bounds of day to day life, and explore the possibilities of infinity. Most of my daydreams revolve around story ideas, but lately I've been musing on how happy I am. And while people usually say dwelling on something is a bad thing, continually visiting your thoughts of happiness, what makes you happy, and why you choose to be happy, can really keep your mood boosted the whole day. Everyone could find things to complain about, quite easily, I'm sure, but it's much more productive to think on what's going well. Your mind will thank you for the dopamine.

Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently. It's one of those things that sounds great in theory, forgive and forget as it's said, but should actually take much more thought than that. They say forgiving someone who did you wrong is for your peace of mind rather than for them. If that's true, it doesn't really matter if they know you've forgiven them or not. Unless of course you forgive them and decide to tell them so. But in some cases, those people are already out of your lives and it is better to keep them there. There's no reason to keep negative people in your life, and I've yet to meet someone who actually, genuinely cared enough about the person they hurt to change themselves for the better. Bad habits are hard to break and unfortunately negative people tend to gravitate toward the drama their negativity creates.

I've let go of a fair share of negative people, and I've come to varying amounts of forgiveness for each of them. However, after the hurt and pain washed away, each time I learned I was better off without them. My light shone brighter when I released all the turmoil they caused in my life, and once you're on the other side of the murk, there's not much temptation to go back in.

The main emotion I feel after it all is sympathy. I feel bad that I couldn't help them past themselves, but I'm learning it's not up to someone else. It's up to them and them alone. And most people don't have the courage to do what it takes to change and better themselves. They let fear and anxiety consume them. Instead of wasting your happiness on someone who takes advantage of you, do what you need to do for your own happiness.

The best thing about leaving behind negative people is the opportunity it creates to find positive influences. In one case, the turnaround was within a couple of months. It was literally as if one door opened after the other closed. And I am so grateful for the person behind that door.

Magic In life

There's something magical about life. All life. Find the magic in yours. That's what I want to do. I want to be able to see the magic and luck and fairytale in my life every day, because if I'm not fascinated by the sheer chance of being me exactly here and now as I am, what could ever hope to captivate me? The whole history of the universe combined to create the events and circumstances that led to my birth, and against all the odds anyone could stack against it, here I am. I am one in a trillion. As are you. How is it that such trivial things in life have the ability to distract us from what really matters? In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters, we are all just dust in the wind in the end, but that's -exactly- what makes every moment precious. Cherish them. Cherish this life we've been given. As far as anyone knows, it's the only one we get, and everything be damned if I'm going to let it slip by, paycheck to paycheck. I want to live my fairytale, enjoy every step of this adventure that I've created for myself. No one has an excuse. -You- are responsible for yourself. That's it. Don't let anything hold you back. You will seriously impress yourself with what you are capable of.