Failing

Failure. That's how I feel about how I've been handling these feelings. I feel too exposed, fragile, and vulnerable in order to be able to make the leap to tell him how I feel. And yet I have to wonder also, why hasn't he? If we're both waiting for each other, we'll never get there. Or I'll be so upset by the time we finally do, it'll be because I couldn't wait anymore.

But I've held off because of his comment when we first started seeing each other that people throw the word love around too easily, too soon. As if warning me that if I said it to him he wouldn't believe me anyway. So I'm sitting here, 7 months in, wondering if what I'm feeling is real and if it matters.

And there's a small part of me terrified that if he can't even say he loves me, he won't ever come around to actually proposing. Sure, in some views that's a long way off. In other views, people have gotten married in less time than it's taken us to say the three words.

So I'm frustrated, wondering if I've not earned his love, and how come. And if anyone's ever going to love me as strongly and fully as I've heard happens on this planet. Or if I'm doomed to be some sad little cat lady no one wanted. The 28 year old no one's ever proposed to. The 68 year old spinster.

Love Is Blind

My boyfriend's work friend put out a joke when I met her about that I must be blind (to be with him/find him attractive), as a tease to him, but I honestly didn't understand what they meant by it. When I look at him I am in love with the person he is, see the stunning blue eyes, the way he looks at me and how he smiles. I see a handsome man who dresses well and know the way his arm muscles feel under my fingers. I see someone who both intimidates and challenges me, yet makes me feel so safe and secure I no longer have the lifelong nightmares that have plagued me when I'm next to him.

Is that was love is blind means? That you see those things other people can't, completely out of the realm of shallow societal beliefs?

Fear

There's this thing, fear, that can be completely irrational. Or is it really? Are we told that our fears are irrational by a society that expects us to ignore instinct in favor of emotionless rote, to only feel when it's a positive emotion, and even them, to do so moderately lest you come across too strongly and be "weird"?

But it's my belief that all positive things come with a negative, in order to maintain balance.

What if you start to love someone, and with that love comes the fear of losing them? Is it really so irrational in a world where someone can be taken away in the blink of an eye?